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Name - Fadzly B Azman
Age - 25

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Friday, November 19, 2004

well allo all, which is only me myself and i.

well today is a friday, just a normal day, woke up late because i slept 'early'. life alone has its ups and downs. below i will write down what i have written in the past years in my diary.

Guards(during my roving days)
Life here oklah. Just need to get use to it. Accommandation worst than PLC. Have to get use to it. Food better than Teking. Specialist Mess Sucks. Will really treasure BMTC when i return to Tekong.

Life is a blank, a day in the army makes my mood dive deeper than the deepest ocean. What a day,what a life. Why? Why? What have I done to deserve this? Or what have I not done that made me go through all this. Life is unfair to me and all the people in the world. To be loved is the only thing that perks my day. To love someone also makes me feel the same way. To be seperated for a long period of time is what I am encountering now. as from 13 Sept 2003, the temporary seperation begin. Life?

Friends. Everyone has friends. But how close can you get with your friends? Will they always be there for you? How many close friends can you have? How come they never ask me out? How come everytime I go out, it's either with her or alone? How come I never as my friends out? I can't even decide where to go? Alone without friends or is it better with friends? Does being mean loneliness? Why when I am out of camp I am alone??

How come I have changed since last time? I dont even know when. I think last time I was better. The only thing that I can do now is hope that I will change for the better not for the worst. Eventhough what I am today people might say goog, I am still not satisfied with myself. Why is that so? Everytime when I am free I will do this, write to myself. What will it do to me? Will anyone get to read this?

Saturday and Sunday
Nowadays life has not been the same. Why is it so? Only I know why it's not the same anymore. I have been going out less often. But I have more time to myself. That's why I have time to type this blog. At the same time I feel bored too. That's life. To have freedom for yourself also means to gain loneliness at the same time. That's life. You will have more time to think about what you have done, the good things and the bad things. That is life.

Today i went out alone as usual. Same thing I did every saturday And sunday. Hope that this doesn't goon that often. I want to go out but do not know where to go. People invite me out but I never go. Two person asked me. Haslesa and Maggie. Why didn't go out with any of them? Am I shy or lazy or what? If only I know why. Only HE knows why. Why is it I cant stay home and stay there and rest. I should exercise more too. That's what I should do. Exercise Iwill.

Ahhh! I am so bored. Nothing to do and tomorrow I start fasting. How will it feel like? Tomorrow also I am on COS duty. What luck do I have...? How I wish I don't have to feel this way always. Why must I feel this way? Sian. Tired. Nothing to do. Want to sleep but cannot. Maybe got meeting later. Should I go back company line? Should I stay here and rot? What should I do? I like the freedom I have but I don't know why, I am not too happy about it. Is It because I am alone???

Guards BMT
Today is the second day of BMT. I have met the new recruits. So far they are ok except 1 or 2 got problem. I have yet to interview my section's new guys. I hope to do it as soon as I can. My mood nowadays is 1 thing that I am not sure about. What I am feeling now? Is it scared, sad, happy, anxious or what? Can I do what I plan to do when I come here? Which is to keep fit and also to gain experience. I hope so. I still think of her. I am still like before.

Boredom x 10 power 99
Boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring. Sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick sick. Sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian. Tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired.This is how I am feeling now. Why why why why why why why why? Have I done anything wrong? Or is there something I am suppose to do and I have not done it yet? Guard duty. Instructor Prowl.

Now I am in bed but I cant go to sleep. Why every night I feel like this. I cant sleep well. I keep thinking of my life, my parents and my 'friend'. These thoughts make me feel anxious. Difficult to sleep. why? Only HE knows.

Guard Duty
Today I am doing guard duty which is not suppose tobe medoing it. I already change with the one I did on the 19th december 03. They cant find others so I have to make do. Sian ah. I really need a holiday break. I need to rest my mentallity. If everyday I feel like this, how can I hope to achieve what I want. Holiday? Go where? With who should I go? Will anyone want to go with me? Are these questions meant to be answered? By who? Answer pls?

New Year Eve 03

It's nearly new year eve. I am still feeling very low. I want to go sentosa or expo of anywhere fun. But it seems to me that no one I know wants to go. What a sad life I am leading. What I want, I cant get. What I dont wnat to have I got it. Sigh. What a life. Only a miracle now can brighten my day. Sigh. Sian ahhh. I have asked everyone. All their answers are discouraging. Sigh. I wish something good happen to me soon. The sooner the better. Should I go myself?????

Fadzly set up the umbrella @ 0 comments 5:26:00 PM